


Lucky

by ifonlyiwaswittier



Series: Unrelated Eruri [2]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Dysphoria, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Feelings, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Modern Era, Trans Character, Trans Erwin Smith, Trans Male Character, lots of feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-13
Updated: 2018-04-13
Packaged: 2019-04-22 04:04:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,613
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14300385
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ifonlyiwaswittier/pseuds/ifonlyiwaswittier
Summary: "Sure he’s stressed and tired but he has no right to feel like this, to wonder everyday how the hell he’s going to get out of bed. He’s lucky."(feat. trans Erwin angst and Levi loving so deeply in his own Levi way)





	Lucky

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on tumblr @ellswritesthings if you want to scream about eruri things or trans things or trans eruri things with me.  
> Warning for lots of talk of dysphoria.

Erwin slides the binder onto his body before work, trying to get the damn thing as comfortable as possible. He’s lucky. He’s always had a small chest and he’s always been tall and broad shouldered. His hips have always been too wide but he’s still lucky- he wears a suit most days and a well tailored suit can hide just about anything and these days he barely notices when he gets dressed.

He’s lucky, he knows, when he goes to grab the coffee pot from the machine, already made because even though Levi has the day off he’s never liked to sleep in.

“How long have you been up?” Erwin asks.

Levi hums, and Erwin marvels at how he can hold himself so casually, a cup of tea in one hand and the New York Times in the other, his pressed against the counter and so narrow, narrow in a way Erwin’s will never be.

“Not long. I’m not even to the Op-eds yet.” Levi sets down his paper, looking at Erwin with a smile in his eyes. “Well aren’t you one handsome fucker.”

Erwin wants to say no, he was lucky because he was small chested and tall and broad shouldered but his hips were too wide and the line of his jaw-

He smiles and says a quick thank you. Later that morning, when Levi says goodbye, sending him off with a kiss, he puts his hands on Erwin’s waist like it was nothing, like it's fine when it most definitely isn’t but Erwin smiles again and says he’d love to have dinner out and of course burgers sound fine and he’ll see him at 6.

In the bathroom at work that day, like he does everyday, he takes off his binder and draws in a few long, deep breaths. He leans his head against the stall door, his jacket and dress shirt folded neatly on the back of the toilet, and tries to find a reason why he feels like this.

When they’d moved to the city for Erwin’s new job, it had been fine. The down payment on the apartment had really broke the bank but it was fine, he was lucky that he got to move to a new place with the man he loved. Red tape had delayed his legal name change but it was fine too. He was lucky that the process was moving at all and he told himself it was better to go by his old name at work anyway, lucky that he had work in the first place- no one would have believed his name was Erwin when he talked on the phone anyway. It had taken a long time to start T and he still had to use the women’s bathroom and when him and Levi go to the gym he still had to say bye to Levi at the locker room door because he’s got money but not that much money and his insurance denied his claim for top surgery and he sure as hell can’t shower with breasts in the men’s locker room. But it was fine.

Sure he’s stressed and tired but he has no right to feel like this, to wonder everyday how the hell he’s going to get out of bed. He’s lucky.

He takes one last deep breath and pulls his binder back on but he fumbles with each button on his shirt and he feels the way his jacket clings to his hips and-.

He takes a deep breath, straightens his clothes one last time and exits the stall.

It’s well past 6 when Erwin gets back to the apartment that night. He thinks he’ll tell Levi that his train was delayed, won’t tell him that he accidentally missed it three times while he stared at nothing. Levi’s lounged on the couch and even though he’s scrolling his phone right now it looks like he’s made a lot of progress on the book lying face down in his lap. Erwin wonders how he manages to read with such loud music and he remembers the way Levi had said “it’s Kendrick,” as if it was the most obvious thing in the world when he’d played this over the bluetooth speaker for the first time. Levi looks soft and clean and warm, wearing his fuzzy green slippers and buried under the thick hand-knit blanket they bought from some specialty home decor store when they moved and Erwin remembers Levi handing the blanket to the cashier and her bright smile as she said “oh, your girlfriend will love this,” looking right at Erwin and the cold tone Levi had used to correct her.

“My boyfriend.”

And suddenly Erwin’s heart is so full it hurts because he has so much love, he gets so much love and he feels so bad about both. He wants to tell Levi that he doesn’t want to eat out tonight because he’s not sure he can take being called “ma’am” again right now. He wants to tell Levi about the blood in his boxers this morning because this shouldn’t be happening, not after being on T for months. He wants to tell Levi that he isn’t sure where this mood came from because he’s lucky but it settled in his bones about a month ago and he’s been such a bad partner lately and he doesn’t deserve him.

He’s tired but when he’s awake he’s sad and when he’s not sad he’s irritable and when he’s not irritable he’s empty and even Levi, the love of his goddamn life, feels so far away. Levi, who’s been with him through all of this, who said “it’s okay that you’re a guy” with such goddamn conviction that Erwin convinced himself it must be forced, who didn’t say I love you much but showed it in everything he did all day, everyday. Erwin didn’t deserve Levi and Levi deserved better.

“Erwin?” Levi asks, looking up from his phone to Erwin in the doorway.

His therapist says guilt is normal. His therapist reminds him that Levi says he loves him no matter what and that all he can do is trust that’s true. His therapist says Levi has agency and that he needs to respect that, needs to let Levi make his own choices. Erwin tells himself he’s lucky to have a therapist. He tells Levi,

“You should leave me.”

Levi sits up slowly, the blanket he’d been swaddled in falling away and revealing his dark jeans and his narrow, narrow hips.

“Erwin,” he says, face more earnest than ever, “I would never.”

Erwin bites his lip, shaking his head, and Levi repeats himself.

“I would never, Erwin. Okay? I would never fucking leave you.” He gets up and begins to fold the blanket, back turned to Erwin and Erwin wonders if he’s mad because he should be and he begins to feel his own eyes fill with tears.

Levi turns back around and Erwin sees a tear track on Levi’s face and Erwin tries to remember the last time he saw Levi cry.

“I love you,” he says fiercely, and Erwin shakes his head again but then Levi is there, wrapping his arms around his too-curvy waist, holding him like he’s worth being held.

“It’s been a rough few weeks,” Erwin sighs into the top of Levi’s head, voice thick with tears.

“I know,” Levi says, cheek on the soft silk of his dress shirt.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.”

The rest of the night is just slightly different than normal, as far as Thursday nights at home go. Levi cooks dinner and serves it to Erwin on the couch instead of lecturing him about crumbs before ushering him to the table. He doesn’t even hassle Erwin to change out of his suit and binder because a couple extra hours, just this once, probably won’t kill him. They put on some Netflix comedy special and Levi rolls his eyes every time Erwin laughs at a dirty pun but Erwin thinks he secretly enjoys it. It’s nice. Normal.

That night when they’re getting ready for bed, Erwin let’s Levi undress him. Levi takes to the task with great solemnity, undoing the buttons on his shirt like it’s a sacred duty, pulling Erwin’s binder over his head as if it were an honor, as if it were normal for a man to have breasts. They get into pajamas and under the covers and pick up their books. The digital clock is flashing some too late time when Levi’s hand finds his way to Erwin’s fingers lacing together. Erwin looks up from his book to see Levi watching him intently.

“Big spoon or little spoon?” Levi asks, but Erwin wonders why he was staring like that.

“Up to you,” Erwin replies.

They turn off the lights and Levi gathers as much of Erwin as he can in his arms, touching him like this is normal, like his body is okay.

“I love you,” Levi whispers in to Erwin’s neck. Erwin shifts back, trying to get impossibly closer to Levi, and Levi squeezes him tight in response. He thinks about tomorrow, about the alarm set early so they can go to the gym, about the name he’ll hear over and over again at work. But he also thinks about the man he’ll get to come home to, about the space that man’s created where Erwin is perfect however he wants to be.

He tries not to think about the future, about the endless days stretching into a future he still can’t really imagine. It’s hard but he tries to think about tomorrow and he thinks he’ll be able to do it.


End file.
